The real reasons that people love this country
Gordon Brown has released yet another book about Britishness to clutter the nation's bookshelves. He proposes an abstract statement of "British values", or maybe an expanded oath of loyalty, to cement us all together under the Union Jack – but all this well-meaning ho-humming misses the point. Most of us love our country simply because it's ours. I love my flat not because it represents "Johannish" values, or because it's objectively the best flat in the world, but because it's where the things I know and love are cluttered together, and I feel a wave of calm when the door shuts behind me. I feel the same when I step off the Eurostar at Waterloo or stagger out into Terminal Five: Ah, I'm home.
One small but revealing symbol of how we get patriotism wrong in Britain can be spotted if you read the stultifying vow we make immigrants take when they become citizens. It says: "I swear by Almighty God to solemnly, sincerely and truly affirm and declare that, on becoming a British citizen, I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, her heirs, and successors." There is a suggestion to make kids chant it at schools. So in the name of a non-existent deity, I promise to follow an unelected leader, wherever that ends up. Woo-hoo – I'm British now!
I think we need an oath of office that reflects the real reasons why British people love our country. No, I beg you, not some airless guff about "fair play" and "a sense of decency". Show me a country on earth that prides itself on unfair play and indecency. Here is my proposal for how our new pledge – and our new patriotism – should go:
"I pledge allegiance to the Queen Vic, not Queen Elizabeth. I pledge allegiance to Coronation Street, not Downing Street. I pledge allegiance to The Office, not the office of Prime Minister. I pledge allegiance to the Life of Brian, not the Life of Christ. I pledge allegiance to Marmite – and to people who can talk for hours about precisely why they hate Marmite.
"I pledge allegiance to deep-fried Mars bars, cold doner kebabs, and girls who wear mini-skirts in sub-zero temperatures. I pledge allegiance to the NHS, the BBC, and M&S. I pledge allegiance to Shakespeare and to the belief that "there are more things on heaven and earth than are dreamed of in your philosophy, Horatio".
"I pledge allegiance to Radio 4 documentaries about the history of drinking water, told in six parts. I pledge allegiance to George Orwell, George Formby, George Eliot, and George Michael. I pledge allegiance to the Notting Hill Carnival, the Edinburgh Festival, and the people who – for no reason at all – wander around Glastonbury dressed as giant pigeons.
"I pledge allegiance to our national dish, chicken tikka masala. I pledge allegiance to the people who sell candy floss on muddy beaches on muggy days. I pledge allegiance to fog and hail and rain, and to people who wear three layers of clothing and shed them and put them back on several times a day, each time declaring with an optimistic smile, "The weather's lovely today".
"I pledge allegiance to the Beatles and the conviction that life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. I pledge allegiance to queuing, and to the people who tut and cluck and scrunch their faces when anybody tries to push in. I pledge allegiance to William Wallace played by an Australian and Gandhi played by an Englishman.
"I pledge allegiance to Fawlty Towers and faulty trains and that small, almost silent sigh that shudders across a carriage when the train stops for no reason in empty fields. I pledge allegiance to the wrong kind of snow.
"I pledge allegiance to the fact that the London Olympics in 2012 will be messier and shabbier and far more prone to disruption by protesters than the Beijing Olympics.
"I pledge allegiance to the boys who died in the mud at Normandy so I could be free. I pledge allegiance to the women who slept in the mud at Greenham Common so I would not burn. I pledge allegiance to Ateeque Sharifi, who came here as a refugee from Taliban Afghanistan, only to be blown up by Talibanists on the Circle Line. I pledge allegiance to everyone who drives an ambulance or teaches a child on this rainy island for paltry wages because they know it's the right thing to do.
"I pledge allegiance to the people of Britain, not because they're the best in the world, but because they're mine."
